Number 86: February 2, 2005

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This week in Katydid:

• Help Save Nouns
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Help Save Nouns
Sign the Product Marketer World Noun Conference Ballot Measure Proposal Initiative Petition today.

A crisis is approaching as the world's supply of nouns is being rapidly depleted. If product marketers continue to burn nouns at the current rate, our language will run out of nouns in early 2007. According to a joint commission comprised of the European Union Speech Parts English Language Division Council and the United States American-English Homeland Defense Restoration Committee, noun use in marketing has reached its Hubbert Peak where the demand for nouns will far outpace supply.

Since the mid 1560's, we have enjoyed a boom economy of language as new word reserves have opened up all over the globe. This, experts say, has led to an over-reliance on using nouns to describe other nouns as the following examples show:

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Perhaps counter-intuitively, many analysts have pointed to adjective and adverb atrophy as a contributing factor in the imminent noun depletion crisis. Too many marketers have over-relied on general adjectives such as healthy, fresh, and natural, and vague adverbs such as very, extremely, and strongly. As adjective and adverb use atrophied, nouns were called in increasingly to fill the void.

A national prepositional phrase alert has been issued. Product marketers are urged to begin inserting prepositions between noun phrases. This will slow down noun consumption as well clarify relationships between sets of nouns.

Additionally, noun re-purposing refineries that had been needlessly converting nouns and verbs into adjectives (standards-based, results-oriented) have been requested to reduce production by at least two-thirds their pre-crisis level amounts.

By taking these simple steps, you can help avert the imminent crisis and ensure that our supply of nouns will last for generations to come. Won't you forward this Product Marketer World Noun Conference Ballot Measure Proposal Initiative Petition to your marketing representative today? The noun you save could be your own.

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Kind regards, 
Kevin Troy Darling

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